Being loved has been the greatest longing of my life. I can honestly say it is the driving force in all my decisions and actions. Not to say that I love perfectly, it just matters most to me.
For many years, if someone else loved me I could love myself, if they didn't love me, I couldn't find love for myself. Until I learned that God loved me without reservation.
It was during one of the most sinful times of my life, which I would say is very ironic except that is actually the nature of God. His is a kingdom upside down, backward from my reality. He loves us when we are at our worst. As a matter of fact, he gave his best in exchange for out worst. That is God's crazy economy.
I have already shared in a previous post that I had come home one night after being out at a club (for those of you who know me well, I know this makes you laugh, I am not a club kind of girl) and was so empty. This memory makes me laugh a little at myself. I had danced on the dance floor and had a seven and seven. Not hard core sinning to say the least but I had been a very good girl, from a very strict religious home and so this was major for me. The truth is that however benign my behavior was, I was sad and empty and trying to fill a hurting heart with something, anything except for what would truly comfort me. I laid down on our old green sofa. The house was dark, and everyone was in bed and I just felt so sad. Without a request or prayer from me, God's loving presence came across my heart that night. I just couldn't imagine that at that moment, I could feel so much love.
Over the next weeks and months, God took me into his word to reveal himself and his character to me. I read 1 John 4:8 that told me God is love. It is the substance he is made of. Then I read 1 Corinthians 13 that told me Love's position toward me. God is patient with me and does not keep a record of my wrongs. He is always kind to me.
It was living water. It was hallelujah and joy rising. I was free for the first time in my life.
He continued this revelation in my heart in Romans 8 where I learned there was no more condemnation for me. I understood that because I was his, what I was facing that broke my heart to pieces had no choice but to bless me in God's time, according to Romans 8:28. I learned that even when everyone else stood against me, when those that I had counted on to comfort me and cover me in their care instead betrayed me, when I let myself down worst of all, God stood for me according to Romans 8 :38-39. No one, not even my own self, would separate me from his love.
His love is stronger, smarter, mightier than any other force. His love is patient and gentle. His love does not keep the record of my wrongs. His love sought me out before time began. His love is faithful to me when I am faithless.
God's love anchors me to this day. There are people in my life I love very much and I know they love me back, big and strong and hard, right back to me. But God's love is the brightest. His love teaches me how to recognize it in others. His love calls me to higher places and comforts me still.
I will forever be kept in his love.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Grace
This is my favorite subject. More specifically, God's grace. Learning to live in it, and give it, is the purpose of my life.
I learned about grace in my late teens and early 20's. When I graduated high school I got married to a good christian man. I loved that he and I shared a passion for God and would spend time praying together. He and I lived about 5 hrs apart and often talked on the phone about God and our shared faith. Two weeks after we got married, I found out he was gay. He started being unfaithful the first month we were married.
I had moved away from my family and friends to marry my new husband and the support system I had around me was my husband's family and our church (which he had grown up in) so I didn't feel like I had a confidant I could turn to.
My husband's family did not know about his sexual activity and certainly did not think he was unfaithful to me. So they couldn't understand why his new wife only cried most of the time.
There was a Pastor in our local church who had been friends with my Dad for many years and being that he was the only person I felt familiar with, I told him about my marriage. He took it as an invitation to express sexual interest. To make this matter worse, I told a young woman who attended our church all of what had happen, she told her boyfriend, who told the Pastor, which in turn met with the church leadership to discuss this with this particular Pastor who, of course, denied it. So the leadership was planning to ask me to leave the church.
I can't even express my devastation. I had never felt so alone.
I went to work in a little ice cream shop in a local mall. There were two men who owned a women's clothing store. They were both very nice to me. Mark was especially kind and handsome. I am sure you can guess where this is going. An affair.
His attention made me feel alive and filled with hope. I thought finally I was going to be loved the way I had wanted for a lifetime. It lasted about a month. I didn't think about his wife or my husband, I just felt good after a long season of fear and loneliness. The affair ended just like affairs always do. I was heartbroken. The bible says there is pleasure in sin for a season. That is true. What you find at the end of that season is the ugliest you. Hopelessness, pain, betrayal, emptiness. The memory of feeling good, the pain lingers to taunt you. It's your parting gift. Thank you for playing. Sorry you lost so much. Please leave the stage.
That would be a pitiful, meaningless story about how pathetic I am except God is a faithful redeemer. His word says in 2 Timothy 2:13 that he is faithful even if I am faithless.
I came home late one night after another long night out of trying to find some peace in the very wrong place, feeling so empty. The more I poured myself out, the emptier I grew. I laid down on my sofa, with my husband asleep in one room and my precious daughter in the other, overwhelmed by how far away I was from peace. Unexpected and certainly not summoned from me, God's loving presence swept over my heart. I knew him, I know him. I was so humbled by the kindness of it. I felt pure love. I wondered, God how can you come to me here, now where I am, so low? This is the worst I have ever been. I wish I could tell you some profound word he said or some scripture that came to me. It was just love, and a reminder that he was there if I wanted to reach out to him. I did.
That moment of kindness, when I did not deserve it changed me forever. It started a revolution in me. God chose to give the best he had for the worst in me. What he asked from me was that I surrender to him. Give myself away, like I had tried to in all the relationships where I'd struggled to find meaning and purpose for myself.
I have spent my lifetime, learning more and more about grace. How it changes me. How it calls me to something higher. Walking with me, lifting me, carrying me. It still comforts me.
Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
The challenge is learning to give it away.
This is my favorite subject. More specifically, God's grace. Learning to live in it, and give it, is the purpose of my life.
I learned about grace in my late teens and early 20's. When I graduated high school I got married to a good christian man. I loved that he and I shared a passion for God and would spend time praying together. He and I lived about 5 hrs apart and often talked on the phone about God and our shared faith. Two weeks after we got married, I found out he was gay. He started being unfaithful the first month we were married.
I had moved away from my family and friends to marry my new husband and the support system I had around me was my husband's family and our church (which he had grown up in) so I didn't feel like I had a confidant I could turn to.
My husband's family did not know about his sexual activity and certainly did not think he was unfaithful to me. So they couldn't understand why his new wife only cried most of the time.
There was a Pastor in our local church who had been friends with my Dad for many years and being that he was the only person I felt familiar with, I told him about my marriage. He took it as an invitation to express sexual interest. To make this matter worse, I told a young woman who attended our church all of what had happen, she told her boyfriend, who told the Pastor, which in turn met with the church leadership to discuss this with this particular Pastor who, of course, denied it. So the leadership was planning to ask me to leave the church.
I can't even express my devastation. I had never felt so alone.
I went to work in a little ice cream shop in a local mall. There were two men who owned a women's clothing store. They were both very nice to me. Mark was especially kind and handsome. I am sure you can guess where this is going. An affair.
His attention made me feel alive and filled with hope. I thought finally I was going to be loved the way I had wanted for a lifetime. It lasted about a month. I didn't think about his wife or my husband, I just felt good after a long season of fear and loneliness. The affair ended just like affairs always do. I was heartbroken. The bible says there is pleasure in sin for a season. That is true. What you find at the end of that season is the ugliest you. Hopelessness, pain, betrayal, emptiness. The memory of feeling good, the pain lingers to taunt you. It's your parting gift. Thank you for playing. Sorry you lost so much. Please leave the stage.
That would be a pitiful, meaningless story about how pathetic I am except God is a faithful redeemer. His word says in 2 Timothy 2:13 that he is faithful even if I am faithless.
I came home late one night after another long night out of trying to find some peace in the very wrong place, feeling so empty. The more I poured myself out, the emptier I grew. I laid down on my sofa, with my husband asleep in one room and my precious daughter in the other, overwhelmed by how far away I was from peace. Unexpected and certainly not summoned from me, God's loving presence swept over my heart. I knew him, I know him. I was so humbled by the kindness of it. I felt pure love. I wondered, God how can you come to me here, now where I am, so low? This is the worst I have ever been. I wish I could tell you some profound word he said or some scripture that came to me. It was just love, and a reminder that he was there if I wanted to reach out to him. I did.
That moment of kindness, when I did not deserve it changed me forever. It started a revolution in me. God chose to give the best he had for the worst in me. What he asked from me was that I surrender to him. Give myself away, like I had tried to in all the relationships where I'd struggled to find meaning and purpose for myself.
I have spent my lifetime, learning more and more about grace. How it changes me. How it calls me to something higher. Walking with me, lifting me, carrying me. It still comforts me.
Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
The challenge is learning to give it away.
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